It’s 1:24 am, I’m trying to sleep because I have to wakeup in less than 6 hours. But I just got to get this out of my chest.
These past few weeks I’ve been having two very strong and contrary feelings. The first, and strongest, is the excitement that has been growing as each day goes by.
I am 10 days away from leaving to Europe. Every single day something new happens that brings me closer to it. I have been talking with my future classmates and travel partners, planning trips we’ll make, getting matching hoodies for the flight, and packing.
I have been packing for almost two months now. I’m moving the Friday before I leave and that just adds stress to my life but also more excitement because it gives me a reason to want to come back. And, of course, packing for my trip. Struggling to fit everything I think I need in just one suitcase.
I’ve never traveled to far away places. At this point, every time I go somewhere, I go to a place I’ve already been to. My first trip ever was at 7 months old to South Padre Island, Texas. So every summer or any long weekend I went to SPI. And that was the only beach I went to until I was 12 years old.
When I was 12 I went on my first cruise. And from that day on, I have gone to a cruise every year, every single year. I mean yeah, it’s fun, but it’s always the same routine. We always depart from Galveston and go to the same islands.
At that same age, during summer, we started going to Nuevo Vallarta for a whole month. We went on that same road trip for four years. Until last year we didn’t want to go anymore. So we went on a 10 day road trip through California. And when our cruise time came, we departed from Miami instead of Galveston. And now this summer we went to Mazatlan.
So there have been a lot of changes in this routine that has been my life. And not just about going to new places, –that’s just what I have been feeling strongest right now– but trying new things and meeting new people.
I hate routine and I am so happy to finally be breaking these patterns.
But I’m not entirely sure if I should be happy of this other feeling I’ve been having. It’s a very confusing one, and I’m 100% sure it will lead to so much peace and happiness after this is over. It’s not even a feeling really, it’s a ball of confusion, sadness, lamenting, worrying, angst, and it’s probably all useless.
I recently wrote about losing friends. It always happens that our friendship just slowly fades until there is none. There has never been a conflict or any sort of problem that suddenly breaks our relationship. It has always been because we meet new people, start getting into other hobbies, we start growing and changing. And I think that is a good thing.
People grow and change all the time. And I think it’s perfectly fine to outgrow people and move on. Because people move in different directions and we need to know how to let go, if someone is holding you back, to go after what you want. I now see that. And I’m totally at peace with that fact.
The problem is, something is different this time.
There is a conflict, one that I am truly not aware of, but it’s there. And it’s suffocating me. I have no idea how to respond and how to react.
At first, it was just a normal cycle –at least my normal type of cycle-, we stop talking during summer break, we don’t see each other much during school, and we eventually fade apart.
But this time, something unexpected happened. They talked. They started seeing each other at school and talking once again. I responded and tried to get into the conversation, but no one answered me. This didn’t happen once, nor twice. It happened more than enough times for me to get the message and understand they didn’t want to see me.
I am so lucky that right now I’m growing and moving on –very literally-. This summer has really left me to explore and learn new things. I have met some very amazing people who I will be living with for hte next three months. These people who I nearly know but already feel such a strong connection with. They are helping me open my eyes and untie my knots.
So, keep the bad vibes away, even if they sometimes have a hint of white, because they will eventually become black again…