I feel like I’ve been in summer vacation for sooo long now. As always, I had expected to accomplish lots of things this summer. I had hoped to clean my room to perfection and get rid of everything that I don’t use. I wanted to finish all the clothes that I have left unfinished because I am missing the zipper. I wanted to make decorations for my new room and start packing and unpacking -because I was supposed to be moving to a new house this week but am actually moving until August-. I wanted to explore my city with my friends and generally have fun and feel accomplished.
And thats the thing. I dont feel accomplished at all.
I’m not happy with myself and the things I haven’t done. I gave myself a two week vacation to do nothing and speak to no one. Those weeks were a month ago. I have spoken to my friends but haven’t really gone out with them that much. That was actually something I started writing about in my last post, but I ended up going in a completely different way.
I feel like I always lose my friends. As you might have figured out already, I am the type of person that plans to leave home and explore the world. And lately I feel like I’ve been moving too fast.
But in someways, I always move too fast. I move too fast and leave my friends behind. It’s a very long story, one that I don’t really want to talk about, but short story is, I haven’t talked to my “two best friends” almost since the last day of school. It surprised me that neither of them had contacted me after school ended but it didn’t bother me that much since I didn’t want to go out. When I finally decided to call them, they weren’t very interested and sort of just told me that we could see each other when they had time.
Since then, there hasn’t been any contact from them.
It probably seems that I did something wrong or we had a fight of some sorts. But I can swear to you that nothing happened.
But this is nothing new.
Since middle school –when secluded groups started to form– I was never in any particular group. I had friends, lots of them, but they were all from different groups. I tried to make them become friends with each other but it never resulted the way that I expected.
Now in high school, I feel like it’s the exact same thing. I have different friends in different groups, but I don’t belong to any group. And I don’t think that is a bad thing because many people have told me that they admired how independent I was, but it is of human nature to want to belong. And I’ve never felt like I’ve quite belonged anywhere.
I feel as if every time I get close to someone, I break off or I do something to push them away. I mean, it has to be something I do, because it has happened several times with different people. Maybe it’s because I know that I will be leaving someday and deep down don’t want to create any ties –I really don’t know what I’m talking about, I just feel like this is what a psychologist would tell me.–
I do a lot of things and feel like I’m always on the move. This might not let me be great with people and much less make long lasting friendships.
I’m a very creative person and feel like there is no time to waste –even though I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of that lately-. Random ideas pop into my head and I just want to share everything it all. I feel like I’ve just been rambling about me and my problems but this is the start of a relationship. Before we start talking about serious topics we need to get to know each other so you can understand where I come from in future posts.
Sometimes I might be selfish, always talking about me and how I feel. But this is my blog, and it’s the only place I get to be selfish.
Now it’s time for me to get to work and prove to myself that I really can do everything I’ve told myself I could. I’m going to live up to my expectations.
See you soon,
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